"The point I am making about Jesus as a paradigm of personal truth has often been distorted, sometimes by persons outside Christian tradition but most damagingly by persons within.  Christians have too often spoken of "knowing Jesus" in a way that tends toward one of two extremes.  Either the believer "knows" Jesus in a way that excuses him or her from knowing anything else (like physics or psychology or English literature), or the believer contains the "knowledge" of Jesus in a compartment labeled "religious" and engages in other forms of knowing as if there were no connection.

When Christians "know" Jesus in these ways, it is right and proper for others to reject their "truth" as either irrelevant to the rest of life or productive of the sort of principled ignorance that has bred so much evil." -- Parker Palmer (my emphasis)

I've been putting in a lot of work to get a website going.  My beautiful fiancee and I have been dot-commed, and I've included a place on our site for a blog.  I'm not sure yet if I will use it exclusively.  You may have noticed... I've not been too keen on blogging much lately, anyway.  Too many thoughts, and still not quite enough.  In any case, I hope you'll visit our website!

http://www.nathanandrenee.com

Rabbit rabbit.

Happy New Year, readers.  Renee and I now have a church to get married in -- my aunt and uncle (mostly my aunt) pulled some strings and got us an audience with the executive pastor of First and Calvary, and he has graciously decided to bend their members-only rule to allow us to be married there.  It's gorgeous, and absolutely perfect.  Thanks for all of you who were supporting us in the search, prayerfully and otherwise.

Now, with that bit of news out of the way, I want to put myself out here a little bit.  I've been pretty tightly wound lately, and I need to find a way to let go of some of this tension before it escapes in any unhealthy ways.  Or escapes in any more unhealthy ways.  Let me explain.

I have a pretty volatile temper, and I have since I was a kid.  Over the years, I've learned to keep a (relatively) tight grip on it.  Historically, video games have tended to make me lose it, but... for the most part, I have a respectable degree of control over my anger.  But for the last couple of weeks, that self-control has been steadily weakening, to the point where I've begun to despise the decay of my character.

Despite some pragmatic concerns, I don't have a lot of moral qualms with profanity, if used as an intentional expression and not merely as an unintentional expletive.  I swear sometimes, when I feel the situation warrants it.  Twice in two days, though, I've cussed out my roommate and only realized afterward what had come out of my mouth.  Moreover, I swore while in a room full of Renee's young (and impressionable) cousins, and only realized it after the fact, unfortunately.  That kind of behavior, that utter loss of self-control, just isn't... me.

Under normal circumstances, I can hold self-control without much of a problem.  But lately, all of my filters and self-imposed regulations have ceased to function, and my instinctual anger emerges when placed under even a little bit of pressure.  I don't like that, I don't like the person that I've been for the last couple of weeks.  I -despise- it, as a matter of fact, and that is starting to tarnish my self-image.

I recognize that this is a somewhat personal confession to post for all the Xanga world to see, but I felt like I needed to put it here for two reasons.  First to apologize to those whom I have mistreated or offended by my recent behavior, and secondly to try and restore some semblance of normalcy and control to my character.

There are few safe ways for me to release this stress that has affected me so adversely, and this post is my hope of venting it and discovering a kind of... renewed self.  I don't like who I've been lately.  I want my me back.  Maybe this little bit of honesty will help.